It’s not a marathon,or a sprint; it’s a relay.

I've never been told to work harder - literally, never. I can’t recall a single incident when someone told me I needed to make more of an effort. In fact, I've been told the opposite. A lot. “Slow down” “take care of yourself”. 

I remember when I was studying for my final exams for fellowship in the Royal College of Anaesthetists - our post graduate exams to join the specialist register -  my then husband saying “you can stop studying now, you've definitely studied enough to pass”.  I was rather shocked, even though I have been told the same thing at almost every single exam I've taken. The thing is, I wasn't studying to pass an exam, I was studying to be the best doctor I possibly could. Surely, no one wants to come and see a doctor who knows only 60% of their stuff? And so, I’d exceed the pass mark by 20% or more, getting merits and distinctions, sometimes even getting full marks. Good enough wasn’t good enough for me, only excellent would do. 

I was born a doctor. I remember being six, playing with my siblings and cousins at home in Damascus and insisting on being the surgeon performing the life-saving operations on our Barbies and Cindys. I've long thought life is sacred and I wanted to do what I could to save lives and so I became a doctor. Then something monumental happened - war shattered my home country Syria into a million little pieces, and with it, my life as I knew it. 

Reflecting back, I think the sheer scale of the disaster - the heartbreak, the intense grief of losing our homes and so many family members - propelled us forward to action. I remember the phone call from my cousin crying, saying our fields had been napalmed, fields that my dad and his dad and their dad before them had tended to as peasant farmers. 

The scale of the suffering drove me to do what I could and I threw myself into humanitarian work. I was working in England as an anaesthetist at the time and so I would do my full time work and then every evening and every weekend and every holiday I would throw myself into helping to fundraise, or provide medical aid or go on medical missions to northern Syria. I worked at an unsustainable rate, thinking it was going to be for a few months, maybe a year. And then last year, after the 10 year anniversary of a war that still rages, I hit a wall at 100 MPH.

Not only had I been driving myself to deliver at the humanitarian level, but five years earlier, I had turned my hand to social entrepreneurship and founded CanDo, a humanitarian startup supporting frontline health and aid workers saving children's lives in their war devastated communities. I was so motivated and fully believed in our mission to channel resources to those who need them most, who know exactly what to do with them and can therefore save the most lives. But the truth is, I was driving myself relentlessly. I definitely had moments of joy and flow and fulfilment, but looking back, I felt like I was trying to make the grass grow taller by pulling it up - all the time!

So many difficulties conspired against me; working in a war that most people don’t want to hear about, let alone support; being an Arab Muslim woman who not many investors wanted to support. My determination, my willpower, my strength and my insatiable quest to save lives, to create a different humanitarian system and make an impact drove me until I hit that wall.

I was depleted, overwhelmed and feeling like a failure. I had chronic pain, poor sleep and a minor sugar addiction. I knew I needed to heed the many alarm bells I was hearing and so, 6 months ago, for the first time EVER I took my foot off the pedal and, oh my god, I can't tell you how much better I feel. After 10 long years I am finally out of my fight or flight response.

I threw myself into prayer, meditation, writing and reflection. I cried - a lot. I released a lot of pent up emotions, I asked myself some difficult questions AND listened to my truth, inconvenient as it almost always was. I rediscovered the joy of having hobbies - my god, I'd forgotten the word existed, let alone actually having any! So I've been reading about Chinese medicine, practising Qigong - an ancient Chinese exercise and healing technique - and learning about medicinal herbs and plants. I’ve slowed down to listen to my own inner wisdom and follow my guidance. 

Because here's the thing - we all have access to these voices, it's just we can't hear them if we are noisy and constantly busy and “thinking” our way out of everything. I have had the privilege in the last 6 months to talk to other frontliners like me about their experience in war zones, disasters and the pandemic.  There are so many of us who've got the willpower, the stamina, and the ability to endure. We are determined, we're resourceful, we're confident and self-sufficient and that can drive us to achieve incredible things.  

But the mistake we all make is thinking we are running a marathon - it’s just me, I have to keep going. At some point we become hyperactive, unsettled, rash, unable to contain our drive. We become workaholics. We demand so much of ourselves that we end up feeling anxious, overwhelmed, compelled by a feeling of  insecurity to continue to succeed at any cost. We end up depleting ourselves, we deplete ourselves of our Qi - of our energy - of our lifeforce. We succumb to burnout. We enter into disharmony. We are so afraid of being inadequate or failing, we end up forgetting to lean into our Yin energy, our feminine energy, that uses imagination and intuition and is receptive to sensory experience. We end up disconnecting from our feeling life, from our emotional sensitivity, from our spontaneity, from our joy. Even as someone who loves the art and science of communication and prides herself on being a powerful communicator, I withdrew into myself.

I'm writing this because if you recognise yourself in this note, I urge you to pause. I urge you to heed the alarm bells. I'm here to tell you it's not a marathon - it's a relay! We are meant to run for a bit then pass the baton on and…rest and recharge. That's right, I used the R word. Stop, rest, detach. Not because we are weak or not caring enough or “failing” but because it’s natural and the smartest way to continue doing the critical work you were put on this earth to do - without feeling guilty! To be able to pick up the baton again when the time is right.

You are worthy and you are enough and you do not need to prove yourself to anyone. We are nothing without our health, at the multi-dimensional levels of our body, mind, heart and soul. And there is absolutely no way that we can be of any use to ourselves, let alone to our loved ones, our patients, our community, or to anyone who we're here to serve If we have nothing to give! Honour yourself - you are sacred and are here to do sacred work and you can only make a transformative difference if you are connected to your inner power and that in turn is connected to the power of the universe. 

So do this today -  give yourself the permission to stop. Tune in, find out what it is you need and give yourself space in your life for it. In the words of my great mentor Ian Wilson “I assure you that the earth will continue to rotate in your absence, and this shitshow will still be here when you come back.”

Are you ready to pass the baton?